So apparently, I had to be hit over the head. Although I'm not sure why it dawned on me after waking up yesterday but I made the decision to support my love no matter what. I've seen her cry quite a few times in our arguments in frustration and confusion but I'm always too wrapped up in my own fear to even get where she was coming from. So that's it, if she wants to transition, I will stay married, in love, supportive and will spend the rest of my life with her.

I've never been able to imagine any kind of life without her, she's the most perfect creature in the world. I meet people all the time and think to myself, "not even close" to awesome like her.

I'm not going to make her choose between me or her. I'm not going to obsess about what it might be like. I'm not going to worry if she'll always love me or if I'll always love her. I know who we are and that's why we got married.

We'll see how the details work themselves out but for now I'm in love, certain of why I'm with my spouse, and ready to move on making a better life for us and our future family. Although, I will object to facial hair, it grosses me the fuck out!

I'm really unhappy

My spouse is finally being honest with me about her feelings about transitioning. As I suspected, this is becoming a more and more inevitable conclusion. As much as I didn't like being misled that maybe it's more genderqueer issue than a trans issue, I hate that we're getting closer to certainty. I feel myself digging in my heels as if I were about to be pulled over a cliff. I'm terrified that I won't be in love anymore. I'm already pulling back. I've been here before when I realized my ex and I weren't meant to be because I didn't really like her. I pulled back and it was never the same relationship, then it was over.

I have many transmen friends and I watch them closely trying to figure out why I'm not attracted to them. I like to look at butch women when I'm out and about, it's my own version of love bug. What is it exactly that attracts me to them and not transmen? The answer is so simple: transmen aren't women.

I've analyzed it over and over. Why can't I love the person? Aren't they the same person on the inside? Aren't they just becoming their true selves? But my gut tells me that when spouse transitions, I think I'm out. I've already mourned the loss of their breasts since it's not appreciated that I look at them or touch them. At first, it bummed me out, then it annoyed me and now it makes me sad, I actually cried this morning thinking about seeing spouse on the way to the shower. I feel like I'm a freak or a stalker that I want to look at all. And that's just the boobs part of it. What happens when it's testosterone? Then all the softness and curves are done and I bet I'll be too.

I don't find men intriguing. Whatever draw to men I had in my early years, and even the bio-guy I fell for when I was with my ex, I know I was on a rocky road to know myself. I liked the bio guy because I was super unhappy in my old relationship and he was so thoughtful and kind to me when I had a huge loss. My family at the time was also still giving me shit about being gay. The attraction to men when I was younger was before I ever touched a woman and had that epiphany of what love and lust was supposed to feel like. Guys were like sex toys but women were home after an exhausting, hopeless trip.

I like my transmen friends, I can acknowledge that some of them are handsome and snappy dressers (something that's very important to me). But don't see them as sexual beings. It's like my gay men friends, I think they're wonderful but it's yucky to think of intimacy with regard to them.

I know there are plenty, PLENTY of women who will line up for my spouse when our love falls apart. It upsets me for sure, but it's kind of like when my ex found new love after us, I knew I couldn't compete because we were in different franchises. And it had ended for all the right reasons.

I'm pulling away as I said before and it's not on purpose. I'm probably trying to protect myself and I have no interest in going down this path. We talked with friends last night, one's a married couple (the husband is ftm) and the other, I think, is starting to transition. It was a great conversation and it was really helpful, although scary that we're about to go on a huge journey with a lot of suffering to do. The only difficult journey I was looking forward to was to have kids and this is not where I want to fucking be at this time in my life. I'm almost 40 and the timing couldn't be worse.

I'm really angry and so fucking sad but I can't stop my spouse from doing what they feel they need to. I don't think we're going to make it together. I feel it coming apart in my own heart and I don't know what to do next. I've been crying a lot lately and I'm getting sick of drying out my contacts. I wish there was another way to cope but it's all I have right now.

We have a trans conference coming up and I know it will help but also create more conflict. The only thing I can be grateful for is that I'm not hormonal.

Sex, please. Email to a friend.

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Truce

We were getting through the day ok yesterday but then right before bed we started talking again. I asked Spouse where she was at with all this stuff. Our conversation had been mulling over in my head. What am I afraid of exactly? Is it the lack of breasts, really? Is it the idea of male hormones expressing themselves with sex overdrive? What would his face look like?

It's all that. I know I am really offensive when I say this so please don't freak out on me. But all the men that I've seen that were born bio-females aren't attractive to me. They are attractive in that gay man, more fashionable, sort of way. They're kind of obsessed with their looks so they look awesomely primped 24/7. But they aren't my bag. It kind of reminds me how attractive I used to find boys when I was younger. I loved the soft, shiny hair, and the pretty faces with big eyes. When I saw those guys in high school or in adulthood...ick. They'd gone 'rough around the edges' and their softness and prettiness had disappeared. I liked the mod boys back in my teens thru my early twenties. I didn't actually come out until I was in my early 20's, fyi. Those boys' pale faces and eyeliner, and maybe sometimes in skirts could swoon me out of my panties for sure.

Then I met my my first girlfriend who was my devoted close friend for a year before I broke down and asked her why she was so nice to me. My favorite line of all time was hers "'cause I'm in love with you, dude." I loved her chivalry and being at my beck and call. Tacky, I know but I'd just never been treated like that by any woman. The guys that did that too weren't as good or as committed to it as she was. Men did that rarely too cos it was the 90's, the decade where people began to dance independent of one another. Anyway, I was really confused about her attention. My fellow homophobic friends made fun of me for having this woman's affection. "She likes you. You better watch out." I was always, "gimme a break. She's just really nice...You think so?" I was also VERY homophobic too. But apparently not enough to be intrigued too. It's cliche but true that my religion at the time and my upbringing stopped me from even considering gay. It wasn't even a thought or factor.

It wasn't until we were at her place for her to change in different clothes that it remotely occurred to me that I might have a new motivation. She was talking to me from her room and just took her top off in my eyeline. I was like woah. I'd seen boobs before like my moms or my best friends but was not the same. I felt naughty looking at her, not naughty enough to look away though. I know I thought about that afternoon for hours and hours afterward.

She and I started dating the night that I called her and asked her why she was so nice to me. My family hated her because she walked like a dude, rolled her cigerette pack in her into her tshirt's short sleeve, and she was my constant gentleman caller. So that takes me again to a thought...why am I attracted to butch women but not to transmen. I get all the chivalry without all the body hair and more angular features?

Why do I love that Spouse is taller than me? Why do I love when she wears men's cologne? Why do I lust her when she does yard work? Why, from the moment we first held hands, did I savor rubbing my soft, small hand in her rough palms? I don't really understand what the threshold is. I am full on contradiction. All I can come up with and bear with me here, is that it's like sex or porn I love to watch. Sometimes I like watching rough, aggressive sex scenes, costume sex, student/teacher scenes. Or worse, 'rape' or 'incest' scenes. Or I think of something really crazy in my mind...ALL of which I would never want in real life but that gets me off in that super horny moment. I'm very conflicted about my love of porn, and straight porn at that. Why I used the porn thing I don't know. I'm tired, my appologies. It's just the best example of me not being able to rationalize what's going on with my conflicting feelings, those rooted deep in my lady guts.

Anyway, I'll always be attracted to butch women. I don't know about Transmen though. I'm still on the gay fence about that. I'm going to leave it here since I'm very, very sleepy. But before I go, we've called a truce hence the title. I'm not going anywhere and neither is Spouse. We're just going to wade through this thing for as long as we can or until death do us part.

Good night for now.

Out with the Old

My love and I are throwing out what we don't need. We have a large house for just two people and we've filled it with our romantic memorabilia like various sex books, thrift store finds, and vintage clothes. We're pushing back the dust bunnies and eliminating. Every couple these days has two ps2's when they meet, right? We also had 2 Nightmare Before Christmas VHS tapes, 5 tv's combined, and double supply of dishes and whatnot.

What about me?

I had a weekend. Friday was pretty good, we had to get up super fucking early on Friday and Saturday to take care of some stuff, we didn't hit the hay until midnight both nights before. Our lack of sleep may have contributed to a sort of implosion over the weekend. I say implosion because Spouse and I don't fight in public, it's against our family values. If one of us is upset, we just know everything's not ok but that we'll talk about it later in the car or at home.

On Friday we went out with friends, we’ll call them Daphne and Vita. Vita is Spouse’s bff. While we were chitchatting about life in general I mentioned to Daphne that Spouse and I went to a trans coffee group and it was really nice. I also mentioned that I was having a difficult time with it all but making the best of it. I also mentioned that Spouse was in therapy to figure out where she is in the grand scheme of gender. Daphne didn't say much, just nodded and asked about the group a little. She’s a good listener, that one. As much as it could be like dropping a bomb on someone, I was trying to make light of it. Not because it isn’t serious or because I was seeking sympathy but because I wanted to talk about it. You know, make it a normal part of my life. I hate when people are secretive about their lives and have serious shit going on and they don’t tell you anything. They suffer all alone thinking they’re the only ones in the world. I would like trans stuff to be a normal part of my life, whether it’s for my Spouse or not. How else am I going to be a healthy adult?

The next day, Saturday, was a great day. We worked hard and then we went to Daphne and Ada’s place for a bbq and swimming as planned. We had a great time swimming and chatting etc.

As I always assume, Daphne told her spouse that we’re dealing with this issue at home. While Daphne was in the shower, Ada offered her support and encouragement. She just wanted us both to know that she was there for us no matter what. I think the gender curiosity is something that's crossed her mind too. She said that her and Daphne had discussed over a huge breakfast what they would do if one of them needed to transition. We kept getting interrupted by her grilling responsibilities so we waited for dinner.

When we were all showered and dressed, we sat down to eat. Basically, the advice this couple gave us was all in support of my Spouse. They want her to take her time and not make any rash decisions, like not getting top surgery or bottom surgery or hormones YET. They encouraged her to research the drugs before anything. Ada was the one doing all the talking and Daphne nodded along. Did I tell you Ada is a problem solver? She's a life-puzzle master like myself. She was so clear about how much they both cared about us, my Spouse in particular. Ada suggested dropping the "happy couple weight" Spouse has gained since we met and hitting the gym to build muscle might be all she needed. But if not, she'd have a better certainty.

She said, "When I first saw you in class, dude, I totally thought you were a guy. It wasn't until we talked that I even saw you had boobs." Ada was obviously a little tipsy, being so blunt and all. But she was right, my Spouse was very slim for her frame when we met. Back then she ate food bars and drank beer 5 nights a week. Not healthy at all but slimmer. Ada said that if she worked out and slimmed down, she might like her body a little more, or feel like she can tolerate being in her body better.

I said that that's why we're going to the gym everyday and we've changed our diet. I was feeling a little intense. We know the how of all this stuff. These are already things she's already doing, of course she's done a ton of research. Of course she's in therapy to work out what's going on. Of course she's not going to freak out and have an immediate sex change. I used everything I could muster to say only .001% of what I was thinking.

I felt like the conversation confirmed my fears that this transition shit is a foregone conclusion. Everyone just assumes that she's going to do it. Great. My stomach was turning and my heart, bursting and beating hard in my “calm” chest. I hate that upside down feeling in my gut but I couldn’t stop it. Why can’t we talk about what it’s doing to me? But I’m invisible to everyone because I’m not changing my exterior. It’s still happening to me though.

Spouse and I fight so much because I believe the transitioning is already happening in her. Spouse says she’s just researching a lot and going to therapy to figure it out. I feel like all these are steps to a real actual conclusion. Man.

With most of our talks I have with my Spouse are about what she'll sacrifice to keep me. I'm generalizing but I hear what she says, every word, and they all lead to man but she’ll put all that on indefinite hold for me to stay. I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who has to sacrifice themselves to be with me. I don't want anyone to feel that way. I want her to have what she wants for herself. A fulfilled partner and Spouse is the most important thing. I couldn't be with someone who weren't themselves. I did that for a long ass time with my ex and it's not worth it, there's no pay off, there's no point.

Hearing all that from our friends was like getting ambesol for a tooth that needed a root canal or a band-aid for a gunshot wound. I understood the ideas but we're way passed that right now and it's scary for me. I won't lie to you, I wanted to go home immediately. I wanted to leave my plate and cup and leave. I didn't though. I sat there and pretended I didn't feel like my marriage was falling apart. That we can't have kids until we know for sure what's happening. That after all this time of thinking that I had the One thing in my life that could get me through any bad situation or loss. Maybe we hadn't won the powerball or material shit but we had true love. Anything more for us would have been a win.

We planned to start trying to conceive in September or October of this year. With stress and uncertainty, it's not a good time to try. I'll be completely honest, if I don't have kids now my eggs are fried. I'm in my late 30's. Anyway, I don't want to have children with anyone else but my Spouse, she'd make a great parent and together, we'd be dynamic. It's a feeling I have in the soul of my heart and brain. Truly, I don't think I'll have them at all if we break up because I know we'd make a good team. A kid needs a good team to raise them.

I survived that dinner and we went out afterward to a trans fundraiser event. We didn't stay out too late but my Spouse got drunk. I think she's coping with the anxiety that I might leave her over all this. I don't want to leave her. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to have babies and puppies and kittens with her. Forever and ever amen. I just don't know what's going to happen next. I know who I am, what I want, who I want, but this is too much.

We fought on the way home a little and when we got home too. I fell asleep away from her, which makes me sleep poorly and feels wrong. Yes, I started my period Sunday morning. You can belittle my emotional state a little if you want but I think pms is good way of getting out what you’ve been holding back for a month. I did that. I slept better last night, holding my Spouse close and still knowing that it all might not work out. I slept a full 8 hours and today, I’m drained but ok.

Is it my fault for being attracted to butch women? Are all butches in a space to consider it?

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting upset and tired and I’ve written too much. I’m curious to know how many people out there are dealing with this? Where are their voices? I need to know what to do or how to feel. I need comfort in some sort of certainty.

Will We or Won't We

Our guests have left, the shepherd's pie went over very well. I made it with ground turkey breast and they loved it.

They aren't getting along very well with one another and were fighting a little on their smoke breaks. I thought I heard raised voices. Do all couples fight so much? I know me and the spouse argue or bicker about dumb shit but not often when out with friends. It happens sometimes but then she flirts with me and won't stop coaxing me out of whatever petty bullshit thing.

When my friend's girlfriend went to the bathroom, my friend started telling me about this distance that's been growing between them. It's really upsetting her, she bought her a ring, is supporting her partner financially, and wants affection but doesn't get any. No hugs and only quick pecks on the lips. I said maybe she's depressed. She said maybe but she's getting over her. I get why she's over the struggling but they probably won't break up like she threatens. And I bet the distance will grow.

I'm going to go ahead and be a dick here today. Most relationships I've witnessed between women, maybe 3 out 20 couples really like each other and don't fight often. Everyone else is in stupid conflict over stupid crap all the time. "Did you hear what she just said?" "Why does she have to talk to me like that?" "I'm sick of it."

I don't think we'll do it tonight. I'm kind of drained from the day and evenings' activities. I think I have cramps too. Sucks.