I'm really unhappy

My spouse is finally being honest with me about her feelings about transitioning. As I suspected, this is becoming a more and more inevitable conclusion. As much as I didn't like being misled that maybe it's more genderqueer issue than a trans issue, I hate that we're getting closer to certainty. I feel myself digging in my heels as if I were about to be pulled over a cliff. I'm terrified that I won't be in love anymore. I'm already pulling back. I've been here before when I realized my ex and I weren't meant to be because I didn't really like her. I pulled back and it was never the same relationship, then it was over.

I have many transmen friends and I watch them closely trying to figure out why I'm not attracted to them. I like to look at butch women when I'm out and about, it's my own version of love bug. What is it exactly that attracts me to them and not transmen? The answer is so simple: transmen aren't women.

I've analyzed it over and over. Why can't I love the person? Aren't they the same person on the inside? Aren't they just becoming their true selves? But my gut tells me that when spouse transitions, I think I'm out. I've already mourned the loss of their breasts since it's not appreciated that I look at them or touch them. At first, it bummed me out, then it annoyed me and now it makes me sad, I actually cried this morning thinking about seeing spouse on the way to the shower. I feel like I'm a freak or a stalker that I want to look at all. And that's just the boobs part of it. What happens when it's testosterone? Then all the softness and curves are done and I bet I'll be too.

I don't find men intriguing. Whatever draw to men I had in my early years, and even the bio-guy I fell for when I was with my ex, I know I was on a rocky road to know myself. I liked the bio guy because I was super unhappy in my old relationship and he was so thoughtful and kind to me when I had a huge loss. My family at the time was also still giving me shit about being gay. The attraction to men when I was younger was before I ever touched a woman and had that epiphany of what love and lust was supposed to feel like. Guys were like sex toys but women were home after an exhausting, hopeless trip.

I like my transmen friends, I can acknowledge that some of them are handsome and snappy dressers (something that's very important to me). But don't see them as sexual beings. It's like my gay men friends, I think they're wonderful but it's yucky to think of intimacy with regard to them.

I know there are plenty, PLENTY of women who will line up for my spouse when our love falls apart. It upsets me for sure, but it's kind of like when my ex found new love after us, I knew I couldn't compete because we were in different franchises. And it had ended for all the right reasons.

I'm pulling away as I said before and it's not on purpose. I'm probably trying to protect myself and I have no interest in going down this path. We talked with friends last night, one's a married couple (the husband is ftm) and the other, I think, is starting to transition. It was a great conversation and it was really helpful, although scary that we're about to go on a huge journey with a lot of suffering to do. The only difficult journey I was looking forward to was to have kids and this is not where I want to fucking be at this time in my life. I'm almost 40 and the timing couldn't be worse.

I'm really angry and so fucking sad but I can't stop my spouse from doing what they feel they need to. I don't think we're going to make it together. I feel it coming apart in my own heart and I don't know what to do next. I've been crying a lot lately and I'm getting sick of drying out my contacts. I wish there was another way to cope but it's all I have right now.

We have a trans conference coming up and I know it will help but also create more conflict. The only thing I can be grateful for is that I'm not hormonal.