This is the beginning of my therapy. My mission to write a little everyday or other day about what it is to be married, queer, lesbian, and mouthy.
Last night we went to a trans coffee talk, it was pretty cool. Everyone was very friendly and mostly engaging. I really appreciate the open energy for sure.
My spouse and I have been fighting for the last four years, yes, since we've been together about whether or not she wants to be a dude. Way back, my ex said she wanted to be a guy. It was part of the million reasons we didn't work out. Me not liking her as a person was a much bigger deal. I'm not saying that to be a dick BUT I really like the spouse I married. I could write for miles and miles about what I like about them. Now that I've found the One, I'm struggling with this fear that now I'll be trapped in a marriage with a man. A smelly, posturing, hairy man.
All this is coming to the surface because we have a very close friend that's transitioning. He's so happy about who he is and how he is evolving and I'm completely rooting for him. But I don't want to be married to a man.
My spouse says she doesn't want to be a man, she thinks they suck too. But she's not a regular gay. She doesn't like to be referred as a Lesbian. She hates her boobs and hates her hips and hates being called ma'am. I told her that no one likes to be called ma'am but I get what she's saying.
She says she's in the middle. I'm freaking out so hard that she's eventually going to want to transition too. I'm not trying to manifest anything but there are so many little things, I see them as signs, that point to man. I'm not so good in limbo, I'm not liking the uncertainty. She says even worse case scenario for me that she does transition, that she won't be a different person. I don't believe that for a minute. Maybe. I don't know. I'm in a very unhappy space about it.
She's talking to a therapist that specializes in Trans issues right now so it's going farther than just talking to me about it.
Meanwhile, we have friends over for dinner tonight so I'm going to get back to cleaning.
I love my spouse. I couldn't have been more certain about why I said I do or the million I love Yous since we've met.
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So I read your posts kind of backwards... but I respect you so much for saying how scared you are. I think a lot of partners of people who may be debating this thing gender try and put on a front of being completely okay with the fact that the person they fell in love with may not be the person they turn out to be at the end, they may look entirely different.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like a phase for your spouse. But maybe they just feel genderqueer? They may not feel comfortable with the woman body but somewhere in between. I would try and reassure you that as long as your spouse is honest about their feelings they can remain the same person on the inside, they won't for instance turn into a " A smelly, posturing, hairy man" well they might get a bit hairy, but that's what a razor is for and some more deodorant for the smelliness... but of course you've probably already been told all this.
Yeah, I don't think it's a phase. I think if anything, Spouse's as you say genderqueer or trans or somewhere between. Gender is such a curious thing, it's hard to figure out what is socialization and/or biology, and how it factors in on a human being.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
I know my reply is a little late but oh well,lol. I really do understand how you feel. My spouse is taking the hormones as we speak and sometimes, it's hell. She told me the same thing, " I will always remain the same person you met." But you and i both know that's a bunch of doodoo. I see changes everyday. Mood swings are the craziest. It's really hard because, like your your spouse, she doesn't like to be called maam, or ladies. She already has facial hair, back hair, leg hair, and her bobs are shrinking. When I decided to leave men alone, I didn't think I would be in this situation. I couldn't stop her either. I'm not a hater. this is something that she said she's dreamed of all her life so who am I to stop that. At the same time, this is not what I signed up for. If i really wanted a man, i would have never met her. to me, it defeats the whole purpose. I'm never the one to judge anyone. Just like your scared, I'm terrified!
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