What about me?

I had a weekend. Friday was pretty good, we had to get up super fucking early on Friday and Saturday to take care of some stuff, we didn't hit the hay until midnight both nights before. Our lack of sleep may have contributed to a sort of implosion over the weekend. I say implosion because Spouse and I don't fight in public, it's against our family values. If one of us is upset, we just know everything's not ok but that we'll talk about it later in the car or at home.

On Friday we went out with friends, we’ll call them Daphne and Vita. Vita is Spouse’s bff. While we were chitchatting about life in general I mentioned to Daphne that Spouse and I went to a trans coffee group and it was really nice. I also mentioned that I was having a difficult time with it all but making the best of it. I also mentioned that Spouse was in therapy to figure out where she is in the grand scheme of gender. Daphne didn't say much, just nodded and asked about the group a little. She’s a good listener, that one. As much as it could be like dropping a bomb on someone, I was trying to make light of it. Not because it isn’t serious or because I was seeking sympathy but because I wanted to talk about it. You know, make it a normal part of my life. I hate when people are secretive about their lives and have serious shit going on and they don’t tell you anything. They suffer all alone thinking they’re the only ones in the world. I would like trans stuff to be a normal part of my life, whether it’s for my Spouse or not. How else am I going to be a healthy adult?

The next day, Saturday, was a great day. We worked hard and then we went to Daphne and Ada’s place for a bbq and swimming as planned. We had a great time swimming and chatting etc.

As I always assume, Daphne told her spouse that we’re dealing with this issue at home. While Daphne was in the shower, Ada offered her support and encouragement. She just wanted us both to know that she was there for us no matter what. I think the gender curiosity is something that's crossed her mind too. She said that her and Daphne had discussed over a huge breakfast what they would do if one of them needed to transition. We kept getting interrupted by her grilling responsibilities so we waited for dinner.

When we were all showered and dressed, we sat down to eat. Basically, the advice this couple gave us was all in support of my Spouse. They want her to take her time and not make any rash decisions, like not getting top surgery or bottom surgery or hormones YET. They encouraged her to research the drugs before anything. Ada was the one doing all the talking and Daphne nodded along. Did I tell you Ada is a problem solver? She's a life-puzzle master like myself. She was so clear about how much they both cared about us, my Spouse in particular. Ada suggested dropping the "happy couple weight" Spouse has gained since we met and hitting the gym to build muscle might be all she needed. But if not, she'd have a better certainty.

She said, "When I first saw you in class, dude, I totally thought you were a guy. It wasn't until we talked that I even saw you had boobs." Ada was obviously a little tipsy, being so blunt and all. But she was right, my Spouse was very slim for her frame when we met. Back then she ate food bars and drank beer 5 nights a week. Not healthy at all but slimmer. Ada said that if she worked out and slimmed down, she might like her body a little more, or feel like she can tolerate being in her body better.

I said that that's why we're going to the gym everyday and we've changed our diet. I was feeling a little intense. We know the how of all this stuff. These are already things she's already doing, of course she's done a ton of research. Of course she's in therapy to work out what's going on. Of course she's not going to freak out and have an immediate sex change. I used everything I could muster to say only .001% of what I was thinking.

I felt like the conversation confirmed my fears that this transition shit is a foregone conclusion. Everyone just assumes that she's going to do it. Great. My stomach was turning and my heart, bursting and beating hard in my “calm” chest. I hate that upside down feeling in my gut but I couldn’t stop it. Why can’t we talk about what it’s doing to me? But I’m invisible to everyone because I’m not changing my exterior. It’s still happening to me though.

Spouse and I fight so much because I believe the transitioning is already happening in her. Spouse says she’s just researching a lot and going to therapy to figure it out. I feel like all these are steps to a real actual conclusion. Man.

With most of our talks I have with my Spouse are about what she'll sacrifice to keep me. I'm generalizing but I hear what she says, every word, and they all lead to man but she’ll put all that on indefinite hold for me to stay. I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who has to sacrifice themselves to be with me. I don't want anyone to feel that way. I want her to have what she wants for herself. A fulfilled partner and Spouse is the most important thing. I couldn't be with someone who weren't themselves. I did that for a long ass time with my ex and it's not worth it, there's no pay off, there's no point.

Hearing all that from our friends was like getting ambesol for a tooth that needed a root canal or a band-aid for a gunshot wound. I understood the ideas but we're way passed that right now and it's scary for me. I won't lie to you, I wanted to go home immediately. I wanted to leave my plate and cup and leave. I didn't though. I sat there and pretended I didn't feel like my marriage was falling apart. That we can't have kids until we know for sure what's happening. That after all this time of thinking that I had the One thing in my life that could get me through any bad situation or loss. Maybe we hadn't won the powerball or material shit but we had true love. Anything more for us would have been a win.

We planned to start trying to conceive in September or October of this year. With stress and uncertainty, it's not a good time to try. I'll be completely honest, if I don't have kids now my eggs are fried. I'm in my late 30's. Anyway, I don't want to have children with anyone else but my Spouse, she'd make a great parent and together, we'd be dynamic. It's a feeling I have in the soul of my heart and brain. Truly, I don't think I'll have them at all if we break up because I know we'd make a good team. A kid needs a good team to raise them.

I survived that dinner and we went out afterward to a trans fundraiser event. We didn't stay out too late but my Spouse got drunk. I think she's coping with the anxiety that I might leave her over all this. I don't want to leave her. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to have babies and puppies and kittens with her. Forever and ever amen. I just don't know what's going to happen next. I know who I am, what I want, who I want, but this is too much.

We fought on the way home a little and when we got home too. I fell asleep away from her, which makes me sleep poorly and feels wrong. Yes, I started my period Sunday morning. You can belittle my emotional state a little if you want but I think pms is good way of getting out what you’ve been holding back for a month. I did that. I slept better last night, holding my Spouse close and still knowing that it all might not work out. I slept a full 8 hours and today, I’m drained but ok.

Is it my fault for being attracted to butch women? Are all butches in a space to consider it?

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting upset and tired and I’ve written too much. I’m curious to know how many people out there are dealing with this? Where are their voices? I need to know what to do or how to feel. I need comfort in some sort of certainty.