We were getting through the day ok yesterday but then right before bed we started talking again. I asked Spouse where she was at with all this stuff. Our conversation had been mulling over in my head. What am I afraid of exactly? Is it the lack of breasts, really? Is it the idea of male hormones expressing themselves with sex overdrive? What would his face look like?
It's all that. I know I am really offensive when I say this so please don't freak out on me. But all the men that I've seen that were born bio-females aren't attractive to me. They are attractive in that gay man, more fashionable, sort of way. They're kind of obsessed with their looks so they look awesomely primped 24/7. But they aren't my bag. It kind of reminds me how attractive I used to find boys when I was younger. I loved the soft, shiny hair, and the pretty faces with big eyes. When I saw those guys in high school or in adulthood...ick. They'd gone 'rough around the edges' and their softness and prettiness had disappeared. I liked the mod boys back in my teens thru my early twenties. I didn't actually come out until I was in my early 20's, fyi. Those boys' pale faces and eyeliner, and maybe sometimes in skirts could swoon me out of my panties for sure.
Then I met my my first girlfriend who was my devoted close friend for a year before I broke down and asked her why she was so nice to me. My favorite line of all time was hers "'cause I'm in love with you, dude." I loved her chivalry and being at my beck and call. Tacky, I know but I'd just never been treated like that by any woman. The guys that did that too weren't as good or as committed to it as she was. Men did that rarely too cos it was the 90's, the decade where people began to dance independent of one another. Anyway, I was really confused about her attention. My fellow homophobic friends made fun of me for having this woman's affection. "She likes you. You better watch out." I was always, "gimme a break. She's just really nice...You think so?" I was also VERY homophobic too. But apparently not enough to be intrigued too. It's cliche but true that my religion at the time and my upbringing stopped me from even considering gay. It wasn't even a thought or factor.
It wasn't until we were at her place for her to change in different clothes that it remotely occurred to me that I might have a new motivation. She was talking to me from her room and just took her top off in my eyeline. I was like woah. I'd seen boobs before like my moms or my best friends but was not the same. I felt naughty looking at her, not naughty enough to look away though. I know I thought about that afternoon for hours and hours afterward.
She and I started dating the night that I called her and asked her why she was so nice to me. My family hated her because she walked like a dude, rolled her cigerette pack in her into her tshirt's short sleeve, and she was my constant gentleman caller. So that takes me again to a thought...why am I attracted to butch women but not to transmen. I get all the chivalry without all the body hair and more angular features?
Why do I love that Spouse is taller than me? Why do I love when she wears men's cologne? Why do I lust her when she does yard work? Why, from the moment we first held hands, did I savor rubbing my soft, small hand in her rough palms? I don't really understand what the threshold is. I am full on contradiction. All I can come up with and bear with me here, is that it's like sex or porn I love to watch. Sometimes I like watching rough, aggressive sex scenes, costume sex, student/teacher scenes. Or worse, 'rape' or 'incest' scenes. Or I think of something really crazy in my mind...ALL of which I would never want in real life but that gets me off in that super horny moment. I'm very conflicted about my love of porn, and straight porn at that. Why I used the porn thing I don't know. I'm tired, my appologies. It's just the best example of me not being able to rationalize what's going on with my conflicting feelings, those rooted deep in my lady guts.
Anyway, I'll always be attracted to butch women. I don't know about Transmen though. I'm still on the gay fence about that. I'm going to leave it here since I'm very, very sleepy. But before I go, we've called a truce hence the title. I'm not going anywhere and neither is Spouse. We're just going to wade through this thing for as long as we can or until death do us part.
Good night for now.
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Here's what I find interesting, and mind you this is coming from someone who is in the midst of attempting to figure out which side of the gender spectrum I fall on. In my research on transgender/transsexual issues, our culture seems to place more emphasis on a female staying with their transgendered partner even if they were lesbian before, or straight before. Whereas if the trans person was previously in a relationship with a cisgendered man, whether the person is MTF or FTM, the cis-man is not anywhere near as obligated to stay with said spouse. FTM that were previously in heterosexual marriages or relationships with men seem to break off the relationship before transitioning. MTF's do this too with their wives/girlfriends but it seems as though it is more frequent for the female to stay with the person even though they are MTF. Also gay women seem to be more accepting of dating transmen, than transwomen, even though this seems rather counterintuitive if we're actually seeing people for the gender they wish to be seen.
ReplyDeleteSorry this was long-winded and probably confusing, but just a thought.
Hi, just twitted in and found myself drawn to you story. I'm sorry I can't relate but I wish you well. =)
ReplyDeleteWow. I got here via Twitter as well and this hit home in a major way. My boyfriend is not planning on physically transitioning ever, but in my mind it still looms. I know he wishes for a flat chest (he does plan on having a reduction, at the least), facial hair, muscle tone, etc. I feel almost guilty for loving being with someone whose qualities are traditionally "masculine" but also loving his body the way it is, even though I know he hates it.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
I've been away for awhile because after we called a truce, things mellowed out. They could have also calmed because I've gotten rid of a couple of stressful situations.
ReplyDeleteSam Aaron: I'm not sure how many once-Lesbian couples last after FTM transition. I've heard both about break ups and stay-togethers. As a self-identified Queer Lesbian Homo, men were never interesting to me. I like the female form under the masculine exterior, it's the best of both worlds.
UrbanHippieChic: Thank you:)
amanda-faye: I definitely get that. I'm completely attracted to my spouse as she is now but it's weird to like her boobs if she doesn't want them to attract attention. Sucks for me.